When Sexual Desire Feels Mismatched: Low Libido in Relationships

By Alana Shapiro | Founder, Bare Intimacy

M.Sexol, Adv. Clinical Training (Contemporary Gestalt Therapy)

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Differences in sexual desire are one of the most common challenges couples experience, yet they are rarely discussed openly. When one partner wants sex more often than the other, it is easy to assume something is wrong with the relationship or with one person. In reality, differences in libido are a normal part of long-term relationships and do not reflect a lack of love, attraction, or commitment.

Rather than viewing low libido as a problem to be fixed, it can be more helpful to understand desire as something shaped within the relationship itself. Sexual desire is influenced by context, emotional safety, life circumstances, and the meanings we attach to sex.

What Is Low Libido?

Libido, often used interchangeably with desire, describes a person’s interest in sexual activity. In relationships, “low libido” usually describes a difference rather than an absence of desire. There is no universal or correct level of sexual desire. A partner may have lower desire relative to their partner, even if their own level feels comfortable or typical for them.

Lower desire does not automatically mean a lack of attraction, love, or care, although it is often interpreted that way.

More Than Biology

Sexual desire is often explained in biological terms such as hormones, age, or health. While biology can play a role, it is only one part of a much larger picture.

Libido is highly sensitive to context. Stress, emotional safety, communication, unresolved tension, past experiences, and feeling connected or pressured within a relationship all shape desire. This is why libido can change even when there is no clear medical explanation, and why two people with similar physical health may experience very different levels of desire.

People also experience desire differently. For some, desire may increase during stress; for others, it may decrease. Understanding desire in this way can reduce shame and shift the focus away from what is wrong with me or my partner and toward curiosity about what might be influencing desire, and what each partner’s libido responds to.

Desire Changes Over Time

Desire commonly fluctuates across different life stages and relationship phases. Contributors to lower libido may include chronic stress, fatigue or burnout, mental load and emotional labour, health changes, medication or hormonal shifts, anxiety or depression, body image concerns, unresolved conflict, lack of emotional safety, and major life transitions such as parenthood, grief, body changes, or increased work demands.

These factors often interact, making desire less predictable than many people expect.

Gendered Expectations and Shame

Cultural beliefs about gender and sex strongly influence how desire differences are understood and responded to.

Many men grow up with the expectation that they should always want sex and initiate it. When desire is lower, this can lead to confusion or embarrassment and, at times, increased anxiety that impacts sexual functioning or performance.

Many women are socialised to view their desire as secondary or responsive. When women experience lower desire, it is often framed as something to be fixed. Women are frequently positioned as the problem and encouraged to seek solutions for their bodies, even when the relational context is clearly strained. This can lead to pressure, self-criticism, and disconnection from their own needs.

When desire differences are individualised in this way, shame often falls on the lower desire partner. Shame does not create desire. It more often leads to anxiety, withdrawal, avoidance, and disconnection.

The Impact on the Relationship

Both partners are affected by mismatched libido. The lower desire partner may feel pressure, guilt, or anxiety around intimacy, or begin avoiding affection for fear it will lead to sex. The higher desire partner may feel rejected, lonely, or insecure. Without open conversation, couples can fall into a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal, where both end up feeling unseen.

When libido is treated as an individual problem rather than a shared relational experience, opportunities for understanding and repair are often missed.

Pressure is one of the most overlooked contributors to low libido. When sex becomes an expectation, obligation, or source of conflict, desire often decreases further. For many people, desire is responsive rather than spontaneous and emerges after feeling emotionally safe, relaxed, and connected. Autonomy and choice are essential for desire to grow.

Support

Differences in libido are common, human, and workable. They do not mean a relationship is broken or that one partner is at fault. However, these patterns rarely shift on their own. Without both people being willing to engage differently, the dynamics that shape desire tend to remain the same.

Mismatched libido is best understood as a couple’s issue rather than an individual one. Support is not about forcing change or convincing one partner to want more or less sex. It is about both people becoming curious about how safety, connection, and responsiveness can be strengthened within the relationship.

Couples therapy offers a supportive space to explore these dynamics together, moving away from blame and toward shared understanding. Seeking support is not a sign of failure, but a sign of care for the relationship and a willingness to do something different together.

If mismatched desire or other relationship concerns are impacting your connection, support is available

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